


but i'll believe in anything

by orphan_account



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Infidelity, Jealousy, M/M, Pining, Post-Break Up, Shitload of dialogue, okay just straight up angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-19
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-07-15 22:27:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7241293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eggsy sees Harry six months after their relationship had ended. Harry has apparently moved on, although Eggsy has not. There are many unanswered questions and unresolved feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. one (your blood, your bones, your voice, and your ghost)

Seeing Harry again is like being punched square in the nose. No other ex has had this effect on Eggsy. The butterflies in the pit of his stomach dance on that very, very thin line between pleasantness and nausea. Harry, of course, looks wonderful with the tailored suit and his fucking legs that seem to have no end.

They had broken up cleanly. No screaming or tears or throwing plates. The only thing that'd really been off, Eggsy’ll say, is that Harry didn't give a legitimate reason for the split. He gave bullshit answers like ‘I think it's just time, Darling’ and literally he'd said, ‘Eggsy, love, not to sound cliché, but it's me, not you.”

And Eggsy didn't push. He'd simply let it happen, yeah, completely heartbroken and a total wreck afterwards, but if Harry wanted their relationship to end, then he couldn't do much to stop it. He did attempt to date post-Harry, but it's extremely difficult to go from the best you can get out of a partner to _ehh_. It turned into a short string of one night stands. He desperately stayed away from anyone older. And men, just for a little bit.

Eggsy’d like to make it clear that he was still very much a whole being without Harry. He wasn't empty, there wasn't a hole in his fucking heart. Because even before Harry, Eggsy always had a lot of love within him. His mum would tell this to him constantly, usually when he'd be playing with Daisy, or really just watching her play. His mum would watch them interact from the doorway, her black eye now an ill looking yellow or a different color. Dean would be drunk and passed out on the sofa.

He's not a problem anymore. Eggsy had called the coppers on him, long overdue, really. And with him beating all of them—not Daisy, Eggsy made sure the wanker didn't lay a dirty finger on her—and selling drugs, there was no way he'd avoid getting incarcerated. So that trash has been taken out.

Anyway, Eggsy’s seated in the corner of the coffee shop, it's actually nice. It's not like Starbucks or those pretentious indie hipster shops, so that's always good. Jamal and Ryan are seated with him and Eggsy’s been getting a good look at the door the entire time. It's a Tuesday afternoon—the place isn't crowded at all. And he knows it doesn't happen in slow motion because he's not in some romance flick or whatever, but Harry opens the door, steps in, looking all sexy and suave and the words coming out of Ryan’s mouth—well Eggsy doesn't fucking know, his hearing is shot, he thinks, but he can suddenly only hear his own breathing, like he's been punched in the lungs.

Harry walks to the counter, smiles at the barista before looking at the menu nailed to the wall. Eggsy's not sure what to do. Harry obviously hasn't realized he's here. And Eggsy doesn't really have to say anything, right? There's not really a proper procedure to go through when you spot your ex in public. Slowly, his eyes return to Ryan's face, he's still talking about… something. He's looking at Ryan, but he's not really looking at him.

Eggsy's become hyper aware of his body. Of his breathing, he's breathing way too fast, isn't he? Who breathes like this? He sounds like a fucking dog. And he's blinking too many times, yeah. So he starts counting underneath his breath, he allows himself to blink every ten seconds. But then he's not sitting straight enough. And he can feel all the individual droplets of sweating rolling down his temple. If there's a God, Eggsy is in dire need of its help.

It's inevitable for his eyes to wander back towards Harry. Eggsy doesn't get the chance to notice as another tall bloke strides through the door. He only draws his attention when he steps up behind Harry, places a large hand of the older man’s arse. Eggsy glares hard at his fucking bear paw.

The man is at least an inch taller than Harry. He's got dark hair, a little shorter than shoulder length. He's some facial hair above his lip and scraggly hair on his chin and dark moles scattered over his face. He's definitely in his early thirties.

Harry leans over, says something into the bloke’s ear. He blushes, moving his hand up to Harry's lower back.

So Harry has moved on.

It's has been about six months—actually five months, three weeks and five days, but that doesn't matter. Harry has moved on. By now, Eggsy does realize that he's been staring at the couple for way too long to be normal or go unnoticed. A hand waves in front of his field of vision.

“Ain’t that your ex?” Jamal murmurs.

Eggsy nods, trying to come back to the present, to whatever conversation had been going on a few seconds ago.

“Wow, he got an upgrade,” Ryan comments. Jamal kicks him underneath the table to stop him from saying anything further.

“You alright, Eggsy?”

“Yeah, yeah.” He says, although, he isn't. Not really because he still loves Harry. Just ‘cause their relationship ended, doesn't mean the feelings disappeared. When they'd first developed, they'd taken root deep within Eggsy. Now they seem like stubborn weeds that refuse to be removed.

“Do you wanna leave?”

“Nah, it's fine.”

Harry and his new boyfriend order then sit at a table to the side. Thankfully they're out of Eggsy's line of vision. He breathes deeply.

After that it's easier to delve into an actual conversation with his friends. Eggsy gets a word in here and there and he's able to follow what they're saying. But there's still a question just nudging at the edge of his mind. He can't shake it.

Eggsy hasn't had the best upbringing, he'll admit it, after his dad died everything sort of went to shit. There was Dean and the drugs and the screaming and fighting. And he's had his ups and downs with life and his will to continue on the uphill battle that is his existence. But he digresses, what's he's actually trying to say is even with all that Eggsy’s never really had low self esteem. Yeah, Dean’s been calling him ‘ _Muggsy_ ’ since he's gotten in the picture, but Eggsy knows that he's attractive. And he has a nice body. He's even _tight_ , yeah.

Maybe he's beginning to question that a little bit, that entire concept is getting a little shaky, to him at least. Was he not attractive enough?

What about him wasn't good enough?

There was— _is_ , still is—that whole class difference or whatnot. Yeah, Eggsy’s a bit rubbish. And Harry is a tailor on fucking Saville Row. Even with that and the age difference and everything, Harry never made Eggsy feel less than. During the duration of the relationship, Eggsy had been treated with respect, he'd been listened to and taken seriously. He could speak freely and honestly without the fear of being judged. That had been refreshing. They’d been on the same level.

Ryan taps Eggsy on the shoulder and he's once again pulled from his inner thoughts. “Harry's gunna pass by us,” he mumbles just as Harry turns a corner and is walking towards them. Ryan attempts to cover Eggsy with his body, but he just ends up knocking over his cuppa and spilling it over both of their laps and the table. The tea's cooled by now so at least it doesn't burn. But the whole commotion gets Harry’s attention.

When their eyes meet, Eggsy’s frozen. It's like time has stopped, but only in his own personal bubble. Harry’s face is unreadable. He was always good at making himself look purposely blank. He walks closer towards Eggsy’s table, where Ryan’s cursing underneath his breath while Jamal’s actually putting in an effort to clean up the table.

“Eggsy,” the older gentlemen breathes.

“Harry.”

“How've you been?”

“Alright. You?”

“I've been well, Eggsy.” He loves the sound of his name coming from Harry’s mouth, Harry says it with such reverence, even still. “And who are these gentlemen?” It then dawns on Eggsy that they never met in person. Harry hasn't known of Ryan and Jamal and they'd only ever seen photos of Harry.

Ryan cuts Eggsy off before he can even form a syllable, “we're his lovers.” Jamal whips his head around, Eggsy and him make eye contact. “We are all in a happy and healthy polyamorous relationship.”

“Is that so?” Harry asks.

“Nope—” Jamal starts.

“Yes, it's okay, darling.”

“Quit it, Ryan,” Eggsy throws him a nasty glare. “These are my mates, Ryan and Jamal.”

“Nice to meet you, Ryan and Jamal.” Harry shakes each of their hands. “Eggsy had never spoke of the two of you,” he adds, which gets Eggsy on the receiving end of two hurt faces, they're a bit bogus, though.

It's really annoying that he's not upset with Harry. Okay so, he hasn't got a reason to be. It's been months, Eggsy’s had his whole sleeping around phase, and whatever. It just may sting that during that same time Harry got himself into an actual new relationship.

“So, who’s the tall bloke?” It takes a surprising amount of courage to say it. He holds his breath afterward.

“That's Daniel.”

“Oh… nice.” Spills from his lips because everything’s become incredibly jumbled in his mind.

“Eggsy,” Harry starts, but doesn't finish because Daniel suddenly appears at his side.

“Thought you got lost trying to find the restroom,” he smiles, it's real crooked, but it may be just a little bit endearing. His entire face lights up, his eyes—which are brown, but not the warm brown that Harry’s got, no, they're dark, sort of oddly reflective—brighten. He runs his fingers through his hair, “hi,” he says, looking between all of them.

“Daniel, this is Eggsy, Ryan and Jamal.”

“Hi,” he says again, “lovely to meet you all.” He turns to Harry, smiles that crooked smile, “you should be getting to the restroom, mister.”

“Alright, alright.” Harry says, “it was wonderful seeing all of you,” he grins, that easy little smile as his eyes linger on Eggsy. Kind of like he's remembering what was. He inhales sharply. “I'll see you back at the table, Daniel.” He turns then heads to the restroom.

“Again,” Daniel says, “it was lovely to meet you three.” He then returns to his table. They all watch him go.

“Are you sure you're alright?”

“Yup. Super,” Eggsy grits through his teeth.

\---

Since Dean was arrested, they've all moved. The new flat is in a new neighborhood, but it really isn't any nicer than where'd they'd lived before. Eggsy’s mum actually works now, so it's nice having a consistent flow of money coming in. Eggsy spends most of his time watching Daisy when his mum is working.

They've both already eaten lunch and they're just lazing on the sofa in front of the television. Daisy’s laying on top of Eggsy, although she just it's not as comfortable as it had been when she was younger. It's really her pointy elbows and knees. She's honestly gets prettier and prettier everyday. She's got hair just like their mum’s.

Sometimes Eggsy can't believe how such a beautiful thing blossomed from a mixture of Dean and their mum—when she'd been fighting a losing battle with depression and alcoholism. He can't believe she's Dean’s daughter. Daisy is a miracle, she's a gift. He loves her so much.

He desperately wishes they lived in a nicer house in a nicer neighborhood. Eggsy wants to give her everything. He never wants her to be hungry or sad or be alone. He wants her to know that he'd do anything for her.

It's a couple hours later and he doesn't mean to, but he falls asleep. So does Daisy, he notices. The television’s still on. Eggsy carefully picks up Daisy, moves her off of him so he can sit up. There's a knock on the door. Eggsy freezes. He wasn't expecting anyone. If it was Jamal or Ryan, they would've texted him. He ignores it, makes sure the noise didn't wake Daisy up.

The knocking continues.

It can only be ignored for so long before Eggsy gives in. He warily makes his way to the door.

“Who is it?”

“It's Harry.” Eggsy opens the door, a slight tremor in his hand, to Harry standing there, charming as always.

“How do you know where I live now?”

“There are some things I cannot disclose to you, I apologize.”

Eggsy frowns. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you again.”

Suspicious, he responds with, “okay. You’ve seen me. You may leave now.” Eggsy has to keep it short, concise. He can't let Harry know that he yearns for him. Eggsy still wants to kiss his mouth and leave hickeys on his neck. He wants to lie in bed with Harry in the wee hours of the night, both of them satisfied and naked. He wants it to be like it was.

Harry sighs, “are you upset with me, Eggsy?”

“Why would you say that?” Eggsy is completely aware that he's being a bit of an arsehole at the moment.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.

“If you're pissed at me, I'd rather you speak to me about it.”

“I just want to know why you ended it.” He admits.

“That is one of the things I'm not able to disclose to you.”

Eggsy’s frown deepens, “Fuck’n quit talking to me like that.” He doesn't want this to be awkward. Yeah, he can't have the relationship he wants with Harry, but he does want a relationship.

“I'm not sure how to act when I'm around you.” Harry tells him, a little bit of vulnerability seeping into his voice. “I know it's been almost six months, but I still want you in my life.”

“So do—”

“Eggsy!” Daisy exclaims, but it comes out a little funny with her lisp. She runs on her little legs towards the door, stares up at Harry, curious.

“Hello, Daisy,” Harry beams. He puts his hand out, Daisy shakes it, happily.

“Who’re you?”

“I'm Harry. I'm a friend of Eggsy’s.”

She smiles at him so easily. Eggsy absolutely loves that about her. Her smile is beautiful.

“Hungry,” she mumbles, looking back at Eggsy. It is around dinner time, he notices, he's a bit hungry as well.

“Okay, I'll make dinner in a sec—”

“I’d love to take you two to dinner… if that's alright,” Harry interjects.

Eggsy is about to decline the offer when Daisy squeals, “yes, please!” And he can't say no to her, so he nods along. Harry looks incredibly smug.

“Nothing fancy or posh.”

“Alright.”

“I'll just get Daisy changed… you can wait in here.” The younger man steps to the side, allows Harry inside. The house is nothing like Harry’s but it's pretty good for what they've got. Which really isn't much. Harry smiles as he steps inside, takes a seat on the sofa while Eggsy gets Daisy into a new nappy.

\---

They end up at a little Italian joint that's in walking distance of their home. Daisy is set up in a high chair at the end of the booth that Eggsy and Harry are seated across from each other in.

“What would you like to eat, Daisy?” Harry smiles, eyes lighting up when Daisy returns it.

“Spaghetti,” she lisps.

“Of course. And you, Eggsy, are you ready to order?”

“Mhmm.”

“Alright then.” Harry signals for the waitress to come to their table. She beams at the older man as she makes her way to them.

“What can I get you,” she simpers, touching the tip of her pen to her tongue before holding it above her little notepad. She gives Harry her undivided attention.

Harry orders for Daisy first, referring to her as a little princess—she giggles, pudgy cheeks turning pink as the waitress makes eyes at Harry—then he orders for himself.

“What about you?” She looks to Eggsy, losing that bit of excitement—or lust—she’d previously had making her eyes shine.

“I'll have the cheese ravioli,” he mutters.

When she has left Eggsy speaks up, “so, what is this?”

“What is what?” Is the response he gets.

“You coming to my house, this dinner? What about Daniel?” And maybe Eggsy's hoping Harry’ll say they broke up, just the sight of Eggsy this morning in the coffee shop had brought him to his senses, made him realize his ghastly mistake.

“Nothing happened with Daniel. I simply wanted to see you again.”

“Then what the f—”

“Eggsy,” Harry’s hand comes up, gesturing the younger man to stop talking, “watch your mouth, we are after all in the presence of a princess,” the man ends and he goes back to speaking with Daisy, asking her questions then responding with wow’s and little shocked noises. She eats up the attention.

Eggsy brings his elbows up onto the table, rests his chin in his palms. He doesn't like how this all feels.This shouldn't feel so right. So nice and comfortable. He wants stilted conversations with heavy awkward silences and moments where they just eye each other, yearning, but unable to put that heady desire into actual words.

Maybe Harry is actually over him.

Bitter jealousy claws up Eggsy’s throat. He tries to swallow it down. It's okay, it's a hundred percent okay, he tells himself.

He's not very hungry when his food comes. He sort of just moves the raviolis around on his plate—and of course he feels like shit for it, Harry’s spending his money for dinner for him and Daisy and Eggsy’s being ungrateful. He’ll make sure to get a container to carry it out in—as he watches Daisy messily slurp her spaghetti. Harry also seems to find amusement in this.

They all eventually fall into a comfortable silence that’s soon interrupted by an unpleasantly familiar voice, “The fuck are doing ‘ere, _Muggsy_?” Rottweiler grits out through his teeth. Poodle is to his right, glaring daggers.

Eggsy’s overcome with dread, to the point where he’s breaking a sweat like nobody’s fucking business. He's not sure what the two goons are planning, but he knows he has to protect Daisy, make sure they don't get their grubby fingers on her. So he scoops her out of the high chair, holding her close to his chest. She’s surprised by the sudden movement, but easily makes herself comfortable.

There's also that modicum of humiliation that this is happening now of all time. With Harry sitting right across from him. Eggsy can't find the courage to even look at him.

“I know you're the reason Dean’s locked up.” Rottweiler continues. “M gunna make you pay for—”

“Excuse me,” Harry interjects, “you're disturbing our dinner.”

“Harry,” Eggsy mutters, “please don't say anything.”

They look at each other a moment. Harry smiling in a poor attempt to calm Eggsy down. And Eggsy begging with his eyes for Harry to shut his wonderful fucking posh mouth.

“And who's this, Muggsy?” Rottweiler sneers, looking at Harry with much disdain, “if you're looking for another rentboy, I can point you to—” that’s really all the rest he gets in because something happens, something quick and blurry and not expected.

Harry punches—Eggsy thinks, he's really not sure what the bloody hell he just saw—Rottweiler right in the nose and the man drops like a bag of potatoes with a heavy thud. Poodle looks at Harry and then takes careful steps out of the restaurant. All eyes are on them for a minute before everyone else just turns back to their food.

“Let's get going,” the older man suggests, setting a number of bills on the table. “You alright?”

Eggsy just blinks up at him. Heart pounding way too fast to be healthy or even possible. “Yeah,” he clears his throat, “you okay, Dais?”

She nods enthusiastically.

“Would you two like cannolis to take home?”

\-----

Daisy’s on the sofa, eating her second mini cannoli although Eggsy said she could only have one. The white noise of whatever tv show his sister's watching mixed with the cars distantly bumping along the road and just the subtle hum of the neighborhood is oddly comforting. And it may also have something to do with the way Harry’s leaning against the doorway, more outside the flat than inside. He has no right being so gorgeous while doing jack-shit.

“So what was this?” Eggsy questions.

“You've already asked me that question.”

“I just want to know why you're doing this.”

“Because I want to be your friend, Eggsy.” The older man tells him, a hopeful gleam in his eyes.

“Okay,” he replies. He thinks he can do that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I squished a lot of stuff into the first couple of chapters—don't worry, it'll slow down a bit and the actual "plot" will be revealed.
> 
> (Okay but consider Ryan, Jamal and Eggsy in a polyamorous relationship tho ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°))
> 
> Thank you for reading :*


	2. two (and i could give you my apologies)

The next week Harry invites Eggsy over for dinner. Eggsy agrees to come over, but he is a bit hesitant, knowing that Daniel will be there as well.

He's been to Harry’s home a number of times so he's comfortable when he's there helping Harry with the dishes.  
  
They're not speaking, but it's still pleasant. Harry washes a plate, rinses it then passes it to Eggsy to dry and put away. He still remembers where everything goes. It's all muscle memory, he doesn't even have to think about it.  
  
He's stretching to put the final dish away in the top cabinet, it's only difficult because he’d already stacked the previous dishes up there. Harry steps behind him, close, takes the dish from his hand and sets it atop the stack. Eggsy can feel the older man's heartbeat, steady and strong against his back.  
  
"Thank you for the help." Harry says, not moving.  
  
It shouldn't feel right to be this close. Eggsy turns around slowly, enjoying the warmth and the way his breath is coming out unevenly. He looks up at Harry, meets his eyes, murmured words slipping out of his mouth, "I still want you." He regrets it as soon as it comes out, but he’s going to stick with it. Not take it back because he fucking means it with his entire heart.  
  
Harry's lips work as if he about to say something, but he doesn't. He just shakes his head, steps away towards the counter, grasps the edges tight with his hands.  
  
"You want me, too." Eggsy is not sure if it's entirely true, but he really wants it to be.  
  
"The reason I had ended our relationship," he says, sounding strained, not even looking at the younger man, "was because I'd grown too attached to you."  
  
"Isn't that a reason to continue the relationship… more than ending it?"  
  
"You see, I can't grow attached to people, Eggsy. It complicates things."  
  
"What does that mean?"  
  
Harry finally has the nerve to face Eggsy again, although he is now wearing that blank look. He doesn't like all the secrets that Harry is holding from him. Yeah, they aren't together anymore, but there are some things Eggsy deserves to know.  
  
"You wouldn't understand."  
  
"Harry, this is all so simple. We love each other, we should be together."  
  
Harry stays quiet for a long while before he finally says, "Let's stop talking about this."  
  
Eggsy lets it drop as Harry gets started on dinner. He's not sure what to do with himself anymore, so he watches as the older man moves easily through the kitchen gathering ingredients and pots and utensils. Eggsy can't even imagine what the future looks like if being in the same room as Harry is just driving him insane. He wants to touch and kiss and caress—simply be close to. The cluttering noises are the only sounds in the house until the front door opens and closes.  
  
"Harry," a voice lilts. It's Daniel. He soon appears in the small kitchen space. "Oh, Eggsy, how wonderful it is to see you again," he continues, not noticing the uncomfortable air between them. He makes his way to Harry's side, they share a chaste kiss. "Missed you."  
  
"You, too. Are you hungry?"  
  
"A little… Eggsy, is Harry making you cook?"  
  
"No—"  
  
"Harry," Daniel starts, tone completely accusatory, "you're not supposed to put your guest to work. Eggsy, go watch the telly." He then practically pushes Eggsy out of the kitchen door. He plants him into the sofa and hands him the remote control. "I'll assist Harry with dinner. You sit, relax." He smiles, gives Eggsy's shoulders a quick squeeze.  
  
It's difficult to pay attention to the telly when he can hear the easy conversation and laughter coming through the door. It shouldn't make him feel so bitter. Daniel is incredibly sweet and he seems to be treating Harry well. They're happy together. Daniel loves Harry. It's obvious in the way he looks at him, how he touches him. The fact that Harry is all in all quite amazing may also carry that along. So of course Daniel has fallen in love with him.  
  
Eggsy's sorta used to a shit life and so maybe with Harry he had allowed himself to actually be vulnerable. And that'd been his big mistake, he finally sees that now. It's certainly bitten him in the arse, big time. He'll just have to keep telling himself to get over. Just keep going. That's what he does best, life keeps throwing punches, Eggsy'll keep rolling with them. It's never easy. Not for a second, but Eggsy's strong—he has to be. Has to wipe away the tears right as they fall from his eyes, swallow the little pride he has left, stand up, dust the dirt off his trackies, straighten his back and keep walking. That's the only thing to do. There's no other option.  
  
So he ignores the way his heart flutters when Harry peeks through the door, telling him that dinner will be done shortly. Eggsy thanks him, attempts to smile, most likely fails because Harry frowns at him before slipping back into the kitchen.  
  
Shortly after, Daniel reappears, plates in hand, to set the table.  
  
"Can I help?"  
  
Daniel looks at him, scandalized, "I'm not letting you do any work. Sit, relax, be merry." He smiles.  
  
Eggsy spends the next ten minutes feeling even more useless as Daniel and Harry move around him, setting the table, bringing out food, trying to make everything perfect.  
  
It's not too much longer before Harry says they can sit and eat. The table's decorated beautifully with multiple plates and utensils and there are even flowers, Eggsy notes, real ones. They're all seated on different sides of the table. In the middle of the table is a platter of a whole chicken settled in a bed of roasted vegetables—carrots of various colors, potatoes, green beans, asparagus, etc. It smells wonderful—fragrant and herbal and a little spicy.    
  
Eggsy soon learns that it tastes even better. Tender and flavorful. He knew Harry was brilliant in kitchen.  
  
"So," Daniel starts, "how've you been Eggsy?"  
  
Eggsy chews and swallows before speaking. "Alright, you?"  
  
"I've also been alright." Daniel tells him, sighing. "It's been a long week." He sets his hand atop the table, instantly Harry covers it with his own, they share an intimate look. Eggsy feels too warm. Uncomfortable, a little fragile, as if his stomach is going to cave in on itself. The food starts tasting like dust, but he continues to eat anyway, not to offend Harry or Daniel since they put so much work into the meal.  
  
"The reason Daniel is exhausted," Harry pipes up, "is because he's being featured at an art gallery this weekend. He's been working so hard getting one last piece done."  
  
"Really? What do you paint?"  
  
"For this exhibit particularly I was focused on parts of the city during different times of the day."  
  
"That's interesting. I'd love to see your work." Eggsy says, although he doesn't. Not really.  
  
"Then come to the gallery on Saturday night. We'll be there! I'd love for you to come!"  
  
Eggsy's desperately searching his brain for an excuse, while Daniel keeps going.  
  
"We can go out for drinks afterward, right? You should invite a date! Double date," he exclaims, almost unbearably happy. "That'll be nice."  
  
"I don't really have any—"  
  
"I have a friend! Eggsy, it'll be a double date. That is brilliant. Harry, how does that sound?"  
  
"Whatever you'd like," he answers fondly, looking at Daniel how one looks at an overexcited puppy. "Eggsy?" He slightly raises an eyebrow.  
  
"I'm not sure how—I mean, I'm…"  
  
"Gay?"  
  
"Not really? Sort of.”  
  
"Bi? Pan—"  
  
"Daniel, dear, Eggsy may not be looking for a date." Harry softly interjects.  
  
And suddenly, a fresh wave of confidence or something makes its presence within his chest. He doesn't like Harry speaking for him. "Actually, I'd be up for that." Especially when he's in a relationship and Eggsy's just a pitiful little thing at the moment. "I look forward to it."  
  
"This is wonderful. I have a phone call to make." Daniel says, excusing himself from the table.  
  
"Are you sure you're up to this?” Harry suddenly asks, looking at him intensely, it's still a meaningful look though.

 

“So you're allowed to be with someone, but I'm not?"  
  
Harry frowns, "that's not what I was saying."  
  
Eggsy breathes deeply. It doesn't really help calm his erratic heart. "Then what were you saying, Harry?" He keeps his voice down, but the disdain seeps through, "you fucking dump me with absolutely no legitimate reason then six months later, you say you still want me in your life. Do you know I feel, huh? You fucking bring me here," he hisses, "and rub your new relationship in my face."  
  
"That wasn't my intention."  
  
"I don't care what your intention was, Harry. It still hurts."  
  
Harry looks a bit a conflict, like he's deciding something big before he says, "You can… leave now, if you'd like."  
  
It's only when he's out the door that he realizes that Harry had given him a ride there. So he just walks, he doesn't even have any change to catch a bus. It's sort of a long walk back to the flat, it gives him too much time to think. There's no situation where he doesn't end up feeling like a piece of shit.  
  
Eggsy just swallows down whatever's clawing up his throat. He should've never allowed himself to have a good thing. He doesn't deserve good things, that much is obvious.  
  
He's getting closer to his flat when there's a blur and a small bark as a little puppy runs through his legs, almost makes him fall flat on his face. It's when he's nearly on the ground that he actually gets a look at the fucking thing. He thinks it's a bulldog, he's not sure. He hates to admit it but it adorable and it's got no collar and it looks so pitiful, staring up at him with its big puppy eyes.  
  
Eggsy scoops it up, holds it close to his chest. It licks his chin—fucking gross, slobbering all over him.  
  
He ends up taking it home. He decides on the name JB. His mum is okay with him keeping it if no one comes looking for it, probably 'cause Daisy instantly falls in love with the puppy. She's excited, but also incredibly gentle with JB. Hugging him, but not too tight. Kissing him, but not obnoxiously.    
  
It helps that JB's a good dog. He's not loud, but he is a bit sassy. He's definitely got an attitude, a sort of stubbornness to him. Eggsy can tell, even if he’s only had him for a handful of hours.  
  
Eggsy's got the puppy in tow as he makes a trip to the closet pet shop, which isn't close at all. His mum gave him some money to buy some food for JB, a collar and a few toys. It's only been a couple of hours, but he's already grown attached to the damn thing. He's not hoping he's an abandoned dog—that idea makes him frown—but he's also hoping it's not someone's lost dog. He wants to keep him.  
  
\---  
  
JB sleeps on Eggsy's pillow. He's so tiny that he barely takes up room. Eggsy himself can't sleep. He doesn't like being stationary like this because then his mind works so incredibly hard to fuck him up. Just about everything makes him sad these days. Even though Dean's not in their lives anymore, there's still something. Some dark cloud shrouding the sky. Maybe he's paranoid.  
  
He's not sure why, but he takes out his phone, stares at it for a while before calling Harry. He's deleted his number, but he knows it by heart.  
  
It's past midnight. He's most likely asleep, so when the phone just rings for a while then the machine picks up, Eggsy's not surprised.  
  
He shuts his eyes, yearning for sleep. When it won’t come, he gently starts petting JB. Makes sure not to rouse him.  
  
It's a few hours later, when his eyelids are becoming heavy, his eyes difficult to keep open that his phone is vibrating. He picks up.  
  
"You called?" Harry murmurs.  
  
"Yeah, I'm sorry." He not sure what he's apologizing for.  
  
"It's quite alright."  
  
There's a tense silence that follows until Eggsy blurts out, "I found a puppy on my way home."  
  
"Did you?"  
  
"Yeah, I think it's a bulldog."  
  
"Did you name them yet?"  
  
"Mhmm," JB stirs slightly, rearranges himself then falls back asleep, "Jack Bauer. JB for short."  
  
"That's nice… I'm sorry for inviting you over." Harry yawns, then he apologizes for that too.  
  
"It's fine. I was was being dramatic." Now he's a little embarrassed about his outburst, he exposes himself too much when he's with Harry.  
  
"I'd love to meet JB, if you'd allow me." Harry says, tentatively, obviously afraid Eggsy'll say no.  
  
"Yeah, you can meet him," he yawns.  
  
"Maybe you should get to bed."  
  
"Yeah, and maybe you should get back to Daniel," Eggsy cringes when he says it.  
  
"He's a heavy sleeper," Harry says, quietly, "he won't notice my absence. Would you like to continue speaking?"  
  
Eggsy has to think about it for a minute, "yeah."  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote the first two chapters at the same time, so that's why I posted this one so quickly. The third chapter will take some time though.
> 
> ((it's a really awful habit, but i usually post first and then edit later--sorry for errors.))


	3. three (and i could take away the salt from your eyes/and take away the spitting salt in you)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very dialogue heavy, and I was listening to some sad music when writing so. [seriously though, if you're in an angsty writing mood, listen to The National and Sufjan Stevens--there will be teardrops on your keyboard! I warn you.]
> 
> Also I know there are inconsistencies between Eggsy's speech and this chapter and the previous two... I'm lazy, but I'll try to fix it later, sorry :/

"Are you still workin' at that posh tailor shop,” Eggsy asks, recalling the few times Harry had brought him to the shop.  
  
"Yes,” Harry tells him. “Have you found employment in the last number of months?"  
  
"Nah, but my mum got a job. It's just a borin' office gig, but before, you know, Dean and all that shit, she was a secretary at some firm."  
  
"I'm happy for her—for you guys."  
  
"Yeah, yeah. Anythin' new in your life since… you know?"  
  
"I do have a new colleague at the shop. Her name is Roxanne. I think you two would get along quite well. She's around your age, incredibly hardworking, determined and just a bit stubborn."  
  
"Maybe I could come by the shop sometime.”  
  
"Of course, Eggsy… it's just that Daniel doesn't know that I work at the shop."  
  
"Really?" He doesn't mean to, but some venom drips into his voice. Harry's keeping secrets from Daniel as well. "I mean 'm not surprised, you kept me in the dark for most of our relationship."  
  
"Eggsy," Harry sighs heavily, "do you want me to apologize? Because I will, as much as you'd like."  
  
"Of course you would. It doesn't fuckin' mean anythin' to you—I don't want more apologies, I just… want you to be honest with me."  
  
"That I can do… to an extent."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Well, that answer is part of the truth I cannot disclose."  
  
"Do you not trust me?"  
  
"Can we not have this discussion?"  
  
"Okay, sorry. Erm… how'd you guys meet?" So maybe Eggsy's stomach clenches real tight when he asks this, but he can ignore it.  
  
"Do you truly want to talk about my relationship with Daniel?"  
  
"What's there left to talk about, huh—I don't even know who you are now, 'm questionin' if I ever had."  
  
"Don't say that."  
  
"Goodnight, Harry." Eggsy hangs up before the older man can reply.  
  
\---  
  
"'m surprised you called."  
  
"I knew you'd pick up."  
  
"… sorry for overreacting last night."  
  
"It's quite fine, you had every right to."  
  
Eggsy makes a vaguely indignant noise in the back of his throat before admitting, "Harry, I think 'm a masochist."  
  
"And why would you say that?"  
  
"Because I keep fuckin' pickin' up your calls… I respond to your texts. I said yes to dinner with you and Daniel and his art openin'. I keep agreein' to be in your company even though it's fuckin' hurtin' me. Masochism has got to be the answer, right? Some part of me has got to like this or I wouldn't keep doin' it."  
  
"I apologize for not having answer to that."  
  
A long silence follows before Harry asks, "Eggsy, are you still there?"  
  
"Yeah… 'm just... It's stupid."

“It’s alright if you don’t want to tell me.”

“No shit. I don’t have to tell you anythin’… fuck, sorry.” Eggsy’s not sure what's wrong with him. He thinks that anger may just be easier. There's something so familiar about it. Maybe if he's angry at Harry, he can actually hate him--and possibly get over him.

“I’d… actually prefer it if you got mad at me. I would prefer it to indifference, to you hiding your feelings.” Harry says, slowly articulating.

“You want—you want me to fuckin’ yell at you?”

“If that's what you feel like doing.”

“You'd like that, wouldn't you?” Eggsy mumbles as he quietly gets out of bed, makes certain not to wake JB or his mum or Daisy as he sneaks out of the flat, into the chilly night. He didn't bother to put on shoes or socks and his toes curl as he steps on the cold concrete pavement. “For me to fuckin’ share all this shit with you.”

“I would,” Harry admits evenly.

“You want me to tell you… that I miss you, don't you? That I miss fallin’ asleep next to you. I--I miss the way you’d hold me. I miss the way you'd get a little bit peeved at me when I would wake up before you and just watch you sleep because… because you're so cute when you sleep, _fuck_ — _fuck you_.”

“Eggsy—”

“No, you fuckin’ listen to me, okay? Yeah, I miss you, but I also wanna fuckin’… hurt you, you know? Like not physically, but emotionally, mentally even. A little part of me wants break you to the core, Harry. But, honestly, I know I never could, I love you too much to ever hurt you like that.

“And you know, I thought… 'm fuckin’ daft as shit, like, I thought you loved me too. Because sometimes when you thought I wasn't lookin’, you'd look at me and nobody—bloody nobody’s _ever_ looked at me like that before.” Eggsy takes a deep breath, slightly embarrassed. He's so fucking desperate, isn't he? Or just fucked up. “Okay, 'm gonna go back to bed, so should you. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Eggsy.”

\---  
  
He calls Harry this time. And of course, Harry picks up with a warm, but tired sounding greeting. Eggsy’s already outside, sitting on the concrete, the black sky overhead, looking void and ominous. His pajamas aren't doing anything to ward off the cold, but it's fine, it's refreshing.

“Saturday night is Daniel’s art openin', right?”

“It sure is. Are you still up for it?”

“I guess… I was just wonderin’ if it's too late to cancel my blind date or if that'd be rude.”

“If you are having second thoughts, I can tell Daniel for you. He'd hate for you to feel obligated to have a date if you don't want one.”

“Could you?” Eggsy asks.

“Of course.

“Thank you, Harry.”

“You’re welcome.”

Eggsy’s not sure if Harry’s thinking about what he’s going to say next or if he’s waiting for Eggsy to speak, but a comfortable silence follows. Eggsy can hear his own breathing as well as Harry’s although, it’s very faint.

“How’ve you been doin’, Harry?” And he already knows how Harry will answer.

“I’ve been alright.”

“That’s the only way you ever answer that question,” he huffs. “Do you ever feel _not_ alright? Have you ever cried? Have you ever been anythin' less than utterly composed? Is it borin' bein' perfect?”

“I am far from perfect.” Harry snorts, it’s an oddly pleasant sound. “ It’s also been said that I am not very pretty when I lose control,” he adds with bitterness tinging his voice.

“Were you… ever the real you when we were together? You know, like a hundred percent you? Because I never lied to you. I never pretended to be someone I wasn’t… I was so open with you--too open, Harry, too open! Because you know all my secrets… and I can’t take those back. I can’t take back all the _I love you_ ’s and I can’t fuckin’ erase the moments afterward when you’d just look at me, unable to say it back. There seriously is something wrong with me--I am over here goin’ fuckin’ arse over tits for someone who didn’t even love me back.” Eggsy hangs up, not even a bit as satisfied as he thought he’d be.

He stays outside, attempting to breathe through the ache in his lungs, in his chest, running through his whole body. Eggsy’s not happy, but this has got to be the healthiest way he’s coped with anything. Talking, shouting, crying, occasionally--never to Harry, or at least, never again.

\---

Eggsy falls asleep on the sofa again with Daisy on his chest. Their mum will be home from work in a few hours. He slowly blinks the sleep from his eyes to look at Daisy and the way her chubby cheek is smushed against shirt. He doesn’t mean to, but he starts feeling shitty. It's like a unpredictable cloud hanging above his head. He's completely aware of its presence, but he just doesn't know if it's going to be pouring rain, even hail, or just benign. It's usually not, but it always catches him off guard.

He’d be hanging out with Ryan and Jamal, in the middle of laughing at some dumb shit Ryan just said when the rain would start coming down. It’d leave him just looking off into space until one his mates--usually Jamal--would be like, “bruv, you okay?” And Eggsy would say, “yeah,” because there was nothing else to say. It’d happen with Harry sometimes, this sadness would appear so present in his body he couldn't ignore it. He just adds it to the list of things that are already wrong with him.

Anyway, it’s raining now.

Without moving too much he reaches between the sofa cushions to grab the telly remote. He switches it on and JB immediately runs into the room, tail wagging, tongue hanging out of his mouth. Eggsy can tell he’s hungry. He hasn't had the dog for long, but JB is very easy to read since he’s so expressive. Very carefully, he holds on to Daisy as he sits up, he gently sets her on the sofa and goes into the kitchen, JB at his heels. He pours him his food and watches as he eats, hurriedly and excitedly.

They return to the living room. Daisy’s awake now, playing on Eggsy’s phone, or really mindlessly tapping on the screen. She holds it out to him when he sits down. He notices he has a voicemail from Harry. “Thank you,” Eggsy tells her as he takes a hold of it, pressing it close to his ear as he plays it.

"You probably don't want to hear it, but I'll admit that I wasn't entirely honest with you for the duration of our relationship. And even if you don't believe me, I did love you—I still do."  
  
He replays it… making sure he heard him correctly. Then he plays it again and again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said I'd try to update consistently??? LOL
> 
> (also I am working hard to finish this fic (idk how many chapters are in the mix) and the 5+1 hartwin fic)
> 
> & thank you for reading


	4. four (if i could get the fire out from the wire)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Eggsy so much, but I love to make him suffer!

Eggsy doesn’t know a lot about art, but he knows that Daniel’s is beautiful. The man is immensely talented. The gallery is packed and loud. He looks from piece to piece and is swept away every time to some corner of London, whether it’s seedy or posh, and feels like he’s living in it, experiencing the sun set overhead.

There’s a series in particular he just gets lost in. His old neighborhood was definitely referenced for the paintings. It’s a street corner near the Black Prince. Eggsy’s never looked at a place like that and thought beautiful, but as he looks at the artworks--even all the details; the litter on the ground, the cracks in the concrete that he fucking knows by heart, the distinct color of the old bricks--and is simply blown away.

“What’d you think, Eggsy, and please be honest,” Daniel appears besides him, flute of champagne in one hand and Harry attached to his other.

Eggsy hasn’t looked Harry in the eye the entire time they’ve been at the gallery. He looks at his hairline or eyebrows. It’s too much right now, so soon after that voicemail. They haven’t even talked on the phone since. “It’s… it’s--you are so talented, Daniel. They’re all amazin’”

Daniel smiles so wide and bright at him, grip tightening noticeably on Harry’s hand. “Eggsy, that means so much to me. I’m so glad you decided to come.”

Eggsy plasters on his most genuine looking fake smile. He’s not sure why he feels so awful.

“I’m only required to be here for another hour, if you don’t mind staying. Or… “ he glances at his watch, “you could meet us at the bar at eight.”

“I wouldn’t mind staying, I still haven’t gotten a look at all the pieces.”

“Excellent. I have to have a word with the gallery owner, I’ll be right back.” He knocks back the rest of his champagne and makes his way over to a man in a deep red velvet blazer, leaving Eggsy and Harry awkwardly standing next to each other.

“You’re real lucky,” Eggsy admits, looking straight ahead, not really even looking at the painting anymore. He suddenly feels uncomfortable in his dress shirt and fitted trousers. They actually aren’t the nicest clothes that he owns. There’s the incredibly suave bespoke suit that Harry had personally tailored and gifted to him, but he didn’t think he would be sending the right message by wearing it tonight. Even if he is just a tad underdressed compared to everyone else.

“Excuse me?”

“You must be really proud of Daniel.”

“What are you doing, Eggsy?” Harry asks.

“‘M not doing anythin’.” He responds, innocently enough. “You recognize this place, right?” He focusses on the painting again.

“Near your old residence.”

“Yeah… never thought London--or at least where I’m from--could be so charmin’, you know?”

Harry doesn’t seem to have anything to add to the conversation after that, so they just enjoy the painting in silence. It feels like they are in a small slice of space where time and movement don’t exist as people walk about and converse and laugh and drink around them. Eggsy starts noticing the brush strokes of the painting, all the lines intersecting, the colors blending together and Daniel’s little sloppy signature in the corner.

Daniel once again appears with another bloke, who looks just like a slimmer, older version of himself. “This,” he says, “is my brother, Thomas. Thomas, this is Harry, my partner, and Eggsy, a good friend of ours.”

“Nice to meet you two,” Thomas murmurs. Eggsy notices the gleam of sweat covering his face. He has a rather weak and uncomfortably moist grip when they shake hands. The bloke’s nervous as hell.

“I'm going to show Thomas around.” Daniel tells them, looping his arm around Thomas’ and pulling him away.

“You think he’s okay?” Eggsy asks.

“Yes, he's a recluse, he's not used to being around so many people.”

“How do you know that?”

“Daniel. He consistently invites Thomas out, but he always declines… except for this of course.”

“Huh,” Eggsy sighs, not knowing how to respond.

“Eggsy, I've been meaning to—”

“Meaning to what?”

“To ask you if what I said was out of line.”

Eggsy looks at him, really fucking looks at him even if he honestly doesn't want to. The annoying fucking thick rimmed glasses that Eggsy stupidly loves. All the intricate and beautiful age lines, that Harry used to admit he was insecure about. “Out of line?”

“Yes.”

“Why do you want to ruin my life so bad?”

“Quit being dramatic,” Harry snaps.

“How dare you?” Eggsy seethes, “how fuckin’ dare you? How come you won’t fuckin’ leave me be? I was fine before you showed up at my doorstep spewin’ some bullshit about wantin’ to see me again. You have fuckin’ everythin’, Harry, yet, you’re still tryin’ to cock up my life.”

Harry’s eyes widen for a split second before he straightens his posture, as if that’s even possible, and takes a deep breath, then adjusts his glasses, “okay, Eggsy. I apologize for attempting to ruin your life,” he says before walking away, probably off to find Daniel.

The apology--Eggsy uses that word very loosely, Harry obviously did not meant it--didn’t make him feel any better, he doesn't think it was meant to. If he hadn’t fucking called Harry that night; if he hadn’t agreed to dinner with Harry and Daniel; if he hadn’t agreed to eat out at the Italian joint; if he hadn’t opened the fucking door; if he hadn’t gone to the bloody coffeeshop; if he hadn’t just been passive when Harry dumped his pathetic arse; if he hadn’t agreed to going out with him in the first place. If he hadn’t ever met Harry Hart.

He wouldn’t be here. He wouldn’t feel like this.

Attempting to convince himself that he’s still whole. Eggsy doesn’t believe in that notion of  ‘he completes me’ or ‘he was made for me’. Eggsy is whole, Eggsy wasn’t made for anyone else, but himself.

\---

It’s nearly eight o’clock when Eggsy realizes that he definitely should have not agreed to getting drinks after the opening. Things are more awkward than ever between him and Harry. He’s just going to be a third wheel.

After he’s gotten a flute of champagne from a passing waiter and gracelessly chugged most of it, he feels a lot better. Without complaint, he gets into the cab they're taking to get to the bar. Thankfully Daniel sits in the middle so Eggsy doesn't have to talk to or look at Harry.

“I know I'm being repetitive, but I'm so happy you both were there for me tonight. I truly needed your support and presence. Thank you.” He's a little buzzed, it's not just his alcohol scented breath, but also the extra giddiness on top of how ridiculously happy he already usually is.

“Don't mention it,” Eggsy says when Daniel smiles at him, god, he fucking emanates sunlight or rainbows or some shit, oddly enough, it dampens Eggsy’s mood.

Doesn't really help that then he turns to Harry and they snog for a good minute while Eggsy tries not to throw himself out of the moving cab, even when the driver looks at him with pity in the rear view mirror.

“Daniel,” Harry finally breathes, ending the kiss, “how much champagne did you drink?”

“… I'm not sure.” Daniel says, attempting to speak in a hushed tone, but failing.

“I told you not to drink so much at the gallery.”

“Yeah, but I was nervous, Harry.” He somehow whispers and shouts and whines simultaneously.

“It's okay, just take it easy at the bar. I'm limiting you to two drinks.”

“ _Harry_.” Daniel huffs, petulance in his voice.

“I know how you get when you’ve had too much to drink.”

“Thought you liked me drunk,” Daniel sing-songs.

Thankfully, the cab arrives at the bar. Harry pays the cab driver before helping Daniel out of the car. The bar is one of those nicer bars, the music isn’t obnoxiously loud and everyone, for the most part, seems to be minding their own business. They find a secluded table in the corner.

“Whiskey for you, Daniel. And Eggsy?” Harry looks at him, but Eggsy refuses to meet his eyes.

“Martini.”

“Ah, of course.” He mumbles before leaving the two alone.

Not sure what to say, Eggsy glances around the bar.

“ _I know_ , Eggsy.” Daniel suddenly says, his tone light and playful, doing that sing-song thing he does every so often. 

“You know what?” He responds evenly, although his heart is jack-rabbiting within his chest. 

“You and Harry used to be together. He told me.”

“Oh… sorry.” Eggsy says, because… actually, he doesn’t know. It sounds right, though.

“No, don’t apologize. I think it’s sweet that you two can still get along. If I ever see one of my exes in public, I turn the other way.” He grins, looking fondly at low hanging light above the table, “Harry is way too good for me… it’s pretty obvious. It’s why he’s never met my parents, they’d--I mean my mum--would spend the whole time convincing him to leave me.”

“‘M sure that wouldn’t happen,” Eggsy objects, although, he’s got no clue.

Daniel shrugs. “I mean, my parents are lovely, but my mum’s always been a little… you know. Like, she hates my teeth, she never told me outright, but it’s very obvious. She always told me to smile with my mouth closed in family photos. I went to way more dentist appointments than a majority of the population. She’s wanted me to get surgery, too. Wasn’t until my da got a promotion, she kept telling me that they’d pay for the surgery. I considered it a lot before, but I ultimately turned her down.

“I was teased a lot for it when I was younger, but I learned to like my smile. So what’s the point of fixing it when I don’t think it’s broken?”

“Yeah,” Eggsy says, his stomach feeling tight and hot, not in a good way, if there is one.

Harry eventually comes back with their drinks. “Hope Daniel didn’t chat your ear off too much.”

“I did no such thing.” Daniel says fiercely.

“Okay then, your drink limit has been dropped down to one. I hope you enjoy that whiskey,” Harry says, carefully handing the lowball glass of whiskey over, before giving Eggsy his martini. Their hands briefly touch.

“Thank you,” Eggsy mumbles, once again avoiding eye contact.

“I’m actually not as drunk as you think I am.” Daniel pouts.

“Whatever you say,” Harry says before taking a sip of his own martini.

After the short silences that ensues, Eggsy asks, “what’s next for you, Daniel?”

“I think I’ll be doing a continuation of the series in the exhibition. The gallery owner told me he’d be interested in displaying more. I’d like a change of scenery, though. Thomas told me I could come up to his place for a while. He lives up in Newcastle.”

“That's sounds exciting.”

“Not really. Thomas lives in the rural part of Newcastle. It's beautiful, but he's fairly secluded from everyone. He's quite antisocial and he suffers from extreme social anxiety if you hadn't noticed. I think I'll take him up on the offer. I'd like to spend more time with him. And Harry, he said you should come along. He's got plenty of room.”

“I'll have to consult my boss first, but I'd love to.”

Daniel beams at Harry, there's something distinctly silly about it, but his eyes are smoldering. Just when Eggsy was beginning to feel a bit comfortable being around both of them. Then Daniel’s eye-fucking Harry right in front of him. He now understands what Harry meant when he said, ‘I know how you get when you've had too much to drink.’

Eggsy clears his throat, hoping to diffuse… whatever's in the air currently. Daniel, thankfully, stops looking at Harry for a second, face slightly flushed. Eggsy tells himself it's the lighting or the alcohol, not the fact that he's probably sporting a stiffy underneath the table.

“I'm going to the restroom,” Daniel announces, he closes his eyes, breathing deeply before he stands up to leave, taking slow, measured steps.

The wood grain of the table they're seated at all of a sudden becomes very interesting. Eggsy follows the individual lines with his fingers, mentally begging any god that may or may not exist to gift him with the power of invisibility. He doesn't even think he has anymore to say to Harry. He's laid everything in front of him already.

“Thank you for coming tonight.”

“Yeah, just…” he's really not sure why he even agreed to all of this. “Harry, do you think that we can actually be just friends? You know, like, nothin’ complicated?” He asks, genuinely while picking up his martini glass.

“I believe it's possible with time, but, Eggsy, I don't want to be just friends with you.”

Eggsy’s grip tightens on the stem of his glass to the point where he's afraid he may break it. “What the fuck? You are a piece of shit.” He sets the glass down, lays his hands flat on the tabletop. There's a tremor running through his fingers as he tries to not clench them.

“Listen, Eggsy,” he says, carefully laying one hand next to Eggsy’s, not touching, but just close enough to feel the heat emanating from it, “I can't tell you everything right now, but… if you really have any love, any trust left for me, you'll be patient.” There's a sense of urgency in Harry’s eyes that he's never seen before. It makes his skin feel warm and prickly

“You're—you're in a relationship, Harry. I may be rubbish, but I'm not… I'm not going to be part of this. Daniel deserves better… _I_ deserve better.” He takes his hands off the table, standing up. “Tell Daniel I had to get home.”

He's sitting on the bus, with less change in his pocket than he had when the night had started, heart ready to beat out of his fucking chest. He's curled up in a seat in the back, cheek pressed up against the window. The cool glass is the only thing that feels real at the moment. He wishes he hadn't gone out. He knew nothing good would come out of it, but he still did it. Mindlessly. Fucking obvious. All logic is out the window when it comes to Harry.

And now he can't stop thinking about Harry’s eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had the majority of this fic planned out, but as I keep writing I'm just like, "wtf... none of this is going according to plan." so yeah, idk, I hope you like it. 
> 
> But yeah, it is going somewhere, even if I'm not sure where.


	5. five (we've both been very brave/walk around with both legs)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit dialogue heavy. I've been watching too many Quentin Tarantino movies--I love the mundane, witty banter.

Later that night, Harry calls him. Eggsy doesn't pick up. Harry doesn't leave a voicemail.  
  
\---  
  
Eggsy can count the amount of partners he's had on one hand. The amount of people he's slept with, well, he'd need his toes to count those because there's sleeping with someone then there's being with someone. The former doesn't take much thought for him, not that he'll sleep with anyone, but it's just that relationships take effort and energy and it's not easy finding people who are actually worth those things.  
  
If it had been a few months ago, he'd find some stranger to shag in a grimy club bathroom, but he doesn't want that anymore. Even the idea of that—fucking someone with "no strings attached"—makes his chest hurt, like he's got an open wound where the blood is still running fresh, open so deep that there's muscle and bone exposed.  
  
Harry really did ruin him for everyone else.  
  
\---  
  
Eggsy and his mates have been frequenting a new Indian place not too far from his flat. He's mostly obsessed with the intense smell of spices that wash over him right as he walks through the door and the food's fucking great too. Ryan and Jamal mostly just like it because they're trying to hook up with one of the waitresses. She's got long black hair, glowing brown skin, and dark, dark eyes. She tells them to call her Adri, as she turns her head, gracefully whipping her long hair behind her back. There's something angelic about it.  
  
She sets three glasses of water on their table. "I'll give you some time with the menu," She says, before making her way to the back of the restaurant.  
  
"Fuck," Jamal cries, "she was fuckin' checkin' me out."  
  
Ryan snorts. "Right," he marvels, "did you see the way she set my water down? Like, bruv, she wanted me, right here, right now."  
  
Eggsy rolls his eyes, "you both are dumb as fuck. Just cause she's bein' nice doesn't mean she wants to fuck you. Also, she works for tips. It pays to be nice."  
  
"You're just mad she didn't even spare your sorry arse a glance." Ryan accuses him.  
  
"You got me," he smirks, raising his hands in surrender.  
  
"She's beautiful, though, right?” Jamal says, dramatically placing his hands over his heart, “like a goddess. I feel blessed just to be in her presence."  
  
"You guys bein' sappy don't seem right."  
  
"Eggsy, I'm a changed man because of her.”  
  
"Jesus, just look at your menu." Eggsy mumbles, already knowing he's going to get the samosas and the lamb curry.  
  
"What's crawled up your pale arse?" Ryan asks, looking at him steadily.  
  
"Nothin'."  
  
"Yeah, sure, bruv, you ain't been talkin' to us lately. We're your friends for a reason. We actually care about you, even if you're a wanker." Jamal says.  
  
Eggsy ends up telling them everything.  
  
"That's fucked up, man."  
  
"Yup. So what should I do?"  
  
"What? What should you do? Nothing. He can go fuck himself... Or Daniel."  
  
"That's actually the best advice Ryan's ever given. I usually don't say this, but you should listen to Ryan. Harry had his chance and he blew it and now he's tryin' to make you some side piece. Tell him to go fuck himself."  
  
Eggsy mauls it over, "but I still love him."  
  
"Really?"  
  
He nods.  
  
"Even after all the shit?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Fuck, bruv, I don't ever want to fall in love. It makes you fuckin' stupid."  
  
"What about our waitress? Thought you were in love with her." Jamal points out, a light smirk on his face.  
  
"It's called infatuation, Jamal, look't up."  
  
"Fuck off. Seriously though, Eggsy, you gotta let him go. We can set you up someone… maybe you just need to get fucked real good."  
  
"Yeah, when was the last time you actually had a satisfying fuck? One that knocked you out?"  
  
"... Been a while."  
  
"Yeah, we could tell. Okay then, our mission is to get you fucked, alright? Find you a nice bird or bloke and you'll be back to yourself in no time."  
  
Eggsy nods, agreeing to the offer, although, a little dubious.  
  
The waitress returns when there's a lull in their conversation. "Are you ready to order?" She asks, a little notepad and pen in her hands.  
  
She stares at Eggsy evenly, a small smile on her face as he tells her his order.  
  
"I'll have the dal shorpa soup," Ryan says, putting extra emphasis on 'dal shorpa'.  
  
"Okay," she responds, "and lastly?"  
  
"The shrimp vindaloo for me," Jamal smiles, attempting to give her a sexy look or something, but it just looks like he's squinting at her.  
  
"I'll take your menus. And I'll get your orders to the kitchen." She gracefully saunters to the kitchen with an armful of menus.  
  
"You guys are seriously embarassin'."  
  
"You're just jealous you've got no game." Ryan says. "You've just gotta get out there, Eggsy, you've got a nice personality--for the most part--and your face is alright, and work out--"  
  
"Woah, Ryan, are you hittin' on me?" He teases.

  
"What, I can tell when blokes are attractive, I ain't blind!"  
  
Eggsy and Jamal share a look.  
  
"Really, fuck off. I can't say anythin' nice to you guys."  
  
Eggsy laughs, "thank you for the compliments."  
  
"What about me, then?" Jamal asks.  
  
"All I'll say is I try to align myself with people I don't mind lookin' at."  
  
Jamal and Eggsy look at each other again.  
  
"Dude," Jamal whispers, "are you straight?"  
  
"Sexuality is fuckin’ fluid, morons. Let's drop it okay?" He gives them both a hard look.  
  
"It's dropped, mate."  
  
\---  
  
Thomas, who told Eggsy to call him Tom, has a monster cock. Eggsy may argue that it's too big to actually be useful. And it's actually a bad time to decide this as he's on his knees, said cock right in front of his face.  
  
"Shit," he says, eyes not able to look away.  
  
"Eggsy--Eggsy, it's alright. I actually… Eggsy?" Tom puts his hands on Eggsy's shoulders and basically picks him up so he's standing. "You okay?"  
  
"That shit is too big," he mutters, "sorry, sorry."  
  
“It’s okay.” Tom says, meeting his eyes. He smiles, small and shy. “Actually… I wouldn't mind receiving…” He's blushing furiously. “I like doing it.”

“Is this how it usually goes?”

Tom nods. “It's good in theory, but then… I don't get a lot of action.”

“That's not just a cock,” Eggsy says, “it's a fuckin’ weapon. Has anyone ever taken it?”

“Only a few guys.” He shrugs, “it’s okay… if you don't want to do anything. I understand.”

“No, no, I… ” He can feel his cock throbbing. He runs his hands up and down Tom’s arms, he's got thick, hard muscles underneath his tight long sleeved shirt.

Eggsy can't help but wonder how Ryan and Jamal found this bloke. His brunette hair’s a lot shorter on the sides than on the top; he's got dark blue eyes and an almost permanent flush on his face. Their date had gone extremely well. A pleasant dinner at a Thai place followed by a walk to Tom’s flat, where they're at currently.

“I should be getting home.” Eggsy finally admits, feeling a bit deflated. And maybe he’s not as hard as he was just a few seconds ago.

“Do you want me to drive you… or call a cab?”

“Nah, I’ll just walk. It’s all fine.”

Tom bites his lip, looking down at their shoes, then back at Eggsy. “Was it… was it my--”

“It’s not your prick. It’s just… have you ever been in love before?”

Tom’s a little hesitant, but he says, “I mean, I thought I was, but the feeling wasn’t mutual.”

“See, yeah, yeah. I don’t even believe in that soulmate shit, and there I was thinkin’ I found my soulmate. Kinda felt like he cut me up and just left me. You know… I’m still me, still got all my bits and shit, but it feels like I wasn’t put back together right, you know, I’m just a little more fucked up after it all.”

Tom gently shrugs off Eggsy’s hands before holding them gently and kissing his fingertips. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs softly.

“It’s fine… you didn’t do anything. You’re just here, bein’ hot as hell and having a huge fuckin’ cock… sorry, fuck.” He can’t help but snort.

“We were having a moment.” Tom laughs.

“Yeah, we were havin’ a moment while your prick, which is still hard, is hangin’ out your trousers?  Also, I apologized already, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he zips up his trousers, blush coming back with a vengeance. There’s still a prominent tent. “Want me to walk you home?”

“That’d be nice.”

\---

“How the fuck did you guys find Tom?” They’re all at the Indian restaurant again.

“I’m guessing the date went well?” Ryan raises his eyebrows in an obscene manner.

Eggsy shrugs, “we didn’t do anything. We didn’t even kiss.”

Jamal looks at him suspiciously, “then why are you so happy?”

“I’m not allowed to be happy?”

“No, it’s just… nevermind.”

“He's very… he's great, but we decided just to be friends.” Eggsy shrugs.

“Really… you didn't even, like—” Ryan gestures wildly with his hands.

“Nah, I mean, I totally had his prick in my face, but I knew that couldn't fit in my mouth, and my heart wasn't really innit.”

“You know, we went through a lot of effort to find Tom. We had to ask around and shit… it took us, like, a whole week. It’s fuckin’ hard to find someone who’s hung and has a nice personality.”

“Thanks for all the effort you put in.” He wipes away at the condensation on his glass of water. “I feel fine—I'm gonna be fine. Thanks, seriously.”

“Welcome, bruv. We love you, honest, and we’ll do whatever to help you out.” Jamal reassures him.

A warm feeling blossoms in his chest, “I don't deserve you two.”

“Just figured that out now?” Ryan rolls his eyes.

“Fuck off.” Eggsy mutters, lifting his menu in front of his face to block the smug look on Ryan’s stupid face.

The angelic waitress reappears. “Ready to order?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can actually admit that I have no idea what I am doing, just trust me. I swear it'll get better for Eggsy, I love him too much to let him suffer for too long.
> 
> (Also, I've written my poor ass into a bit of a hole. Like, why the fuck would Eggsy get back with Harry? He's got a lot of apologizing and butt kissing to do to win back the heart of my little egg.)
> 
> Edit: LOL Daniel's brother, Thomas, and… let's call him big dick Tom aren't the same people. I'm very stupid and forget all the OC's names and I just happen to give them the same name. Just to clarify Thomas is Daniel's brother and Tom is the guy whose big dick Eggsy almost sucked.


	6. six (and i could give you all the olive trees)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol, sorry for any grammar/punctuation mistakes. Again, a bit dialogue heavy!
> 
> Oh yeah, I just realized Daniel's brother is Thomas and Eggsy's new friend is Tom. I'm too lazy to change it so, whatever.

JB is sleeping with Eggsy’s mum. The dog’s taken a particular interest in her since, she'll let him get under the covers with his head sticking out like a person and the first thing she does in the morning is walk him around the neighborhood when the sun's still rising. And he gets a special treat and all the scratches he wants.

Eggsy digresses—JB is not sleeping in his bed currently, so he can masturabate. He doesn't do it with JB in the room, nevertheless, the bed because what if he traumatizes the little dog somehow? Eggsy’s just wary, okay? And he doesn't think he could meet those big beady black eyes after doing that.

Anyway, so, he's hard. He's lying on his stomach, rubbing himself against his bed, hands shaking, breathing into his pillow. It's actually been a long time since he last masturabated.

He's thinking about Tom kissing him and touching him. And telling him he's sexy and he just wants to ravage him and he can barely contain himself and shit… those are things that Harry’s told him when he used to be together. And Harry would have this look in his eyes, this soft, fragile look that Eggsy thought was love.

He pretends it was as he wraps his hand around his cock, not too tight, letting the side of his pinky skim his bullocks, and there's a fiery ball of pleasure right in his gut. He keeps running his hand up and down, up and down until the hot little ball explodes.

\---

The whole masturbating while thinking of his ex thing really doesn't make Eggsy feel better, well, the orgasm was fucking great, but the self loath and disgust that followed were not.

So he tries masturbatng while not thinking about Harry. Which is rather difficult. Since his mum, Daisy and JB are out, he puts on some porn. He forgot how awful it was. And he's got it on his phone so he's holding that up as he stroking his cock with the other hand. He gets that the titles are supposed to give you the summary of the video in a few words, but all the capital letters are right in his face. And he's not staying hard.

He ends up watching the few ones with plot more like a movie than a masturbatory tool. After, he puts his pants and trackies back on before washing his hands and ultimately giving up.

\---

Tom calls him later that day, asking him out to dinner. As friends.

“You know, you should go out with blokes you fancy, right?” Eggsy tells him over the phone.

“I know. I can't go out with a mate?”

“Yeah, course you can… just, you're sexy, you should get out there, not waste your time on my sad arse.”

“Wanna spend time with your sad arse.” Tom mutters.

“Okay, whatever," he sighs, Tom never allows him be self-deprecating. "Where are you takin’ me?”

“It's a surprise.”

“Ugh, fuck you. What should I wear?”

“Formal but not too formal. Like, you won't need a suit jacket or anything.”

“Right then. I'll see you later, Tom.”

“Will do. Bye for now, Eggsy.”

\---

Eggsy’s wearing the suit that Harry tailored for him--well, not the whole suit, just the bottoms because they make his arse look great. Not because it's a date-date with Tom or anything, but just ‘cause Eggsy wants to feel good. And a part of that is wearing something that makes him feel confident and attractive. Which is exactly how he feels. It's been a while, but it's nice and refreshing to smile easily and not always be wary of some metaphorical cloud over his head.

He's matched the bottoms, which are a very dark navy blue, with a striped button up shirt and the nicest pair of dress shoes he has.

Tom tells him he looks wonderful when he picks him up.

“Thank you,” Eggsy smiles, “you look very handsome. So… where are we goin’?”

“We’ll see.”

Eggsy rolls his eyes. They begin driving for awhile, lights whirring by, the noise of the city pleasant background music.

About ten minutes later, they arrive at a fancy French restaurant that Eggsy’s been to before. With Harry. He swallows whatever is coming up his throat.

“Are you okay?” Tom asks, after he's parked the car and turned the engine off.

“Yeah, sorry.”

“Don't apologize.”

“Okay. Let's eat.”

\---

The first thing he notices as they’re in line to talk with the hostess is that Daniel and Harry are standing right in front of them. He tries not to act awkward or weird, but he can suddenly feel himself moving robotically. Seriously, why does he have to suffer like this?

“Have you eaten here before, Eggsy?” Tom asks.

Eggsy turns around so his back is facing Daniel and Harry. “I actually have,” he says rather quietly.

“Really? Did you like it?”

“I did.”

“Eggsy, are you alright?”

Eggsy nods, wishing Tom would stop saying his name.

“Why are you turned around like this?”

“Just ‘cause,” he reassures him.

Tom looks at him suspiciously, before smiling. Just as a pleasant silence ensues, he hears, “Eggsy, is that you?”

He turns, hesitantly, “yes, it is.”

“I haven't seen you in a while… can I hug you?” Daniel asks and Eggsy’s stomach sinks, but he says yes.

Eggsy hugs back. “It's really lovely to see you and… “ Daniel looks at Tom expectantly.

“Tom,” he supplies.

“Can I hug you, too? I'm very happy, sorry.”

“No, it's fine, of course.” As they hug, Eggsy looks at Harry, who smiles at him lightly. It’s one of those ‘I wish a lightning bolt would strike me right now’ kind of smiles. Eggsy nods his head, feeling the same way.

“Wow, I'm so glad we ran into you two. Do you guys want to share a table?” Daniel asks, looking in between them excitedly.

“If you'd like to, Tom?” Eggsy is hoping that Tom declines, but he knows he’s too kind to. Unfortunately.

Tom nods, “sure, sounds great.”

“Execellent! It's the double date we never had.”

“Actually—” Both Tom and Eggsy start simultaneously, but Daniel is already talking to the hostess.

\---

Their food has just been served when Daniel asks, “what have you been up to, Eggsy?”

He can't really say masturbating and an unsuccessful blind date so he lies, “I've been looking for work.”

“Really? Where?”

“Just local shops and restaurants.”

“That's lovely,” Daniel smiles that same blinding smile, “and Tom, what do you do?”

Which is actually a good question ‘cause Eggsy never really asked. He takes a good long look at Tom sitting right next to him. He really does look handsome tonight, not that he didn’t the other time they had been together. Don’t get Eggsy wrong, he is a confident bloke, but Tom is, like, really fucking sexy. And he’s got that friendly giant thing going on, like, he’s a big bloke, but not intimidatingly so. Well, his cock is definitely intimidating, but that's not what he's talking about. “I teach, or rather, I'm training to teach. I'm currently shadowing a classroom.”

“That’s excellent.”

“They are a handful, but I'm excited to take the reigns fairly soon.”

“I love kids,” Daniel sighs before taking a long sip of wine, “so does Harry.”

Eggsy looks at Harry, eyebrows probably to his hairline. Either that is a complete lie or Harry never mentioned it when they were dating. He realizes they never talked much about the future, rather _their_ future, probably because Harry already knew they wouldn’t have one. Well, Eggsy guesses, they have one, just not the one he’d secretly fantasized about.

“Neither of our professions let us interact with them much, Harry being a realtor and me an artist.”

That's kind of when Eggsy’s ears shut off and he begins staring intently at Harry as he eats. Realtor? Yeah. Right. He's just wondering what's true anymore, for all he knows Harry could be a realtor. Maybe he was never even a tailor. It makes it feel like someone’s carving up all his organs so he goes back to eating whatever it is he ordered as Daniel and Tom continue speaking.

What if everything he thought he knew about Harry isn't even true? He was dating just one big lie. Maybe Harry didn't even like him, he just wanted to see how much of a dumb-arse Eggsy was, see how much he could lie to him and lead him on and how good he could make him feel and how hard Eggsy would fall before taking that all away from him.

Eggsy’s already learned his lesson, why was everything still shitty, then?

“Eggsy, you still with us?”

“Yeah, sorry.”

“I told you,” Tom murmurs, “you don't have to keep apologizing,” he covers Eggsy’s hand with his own. It’s soft, warm and dry. “You're okay, right?”

“Yeah, just thinkin’.” He takes a bite of his food and chews slowly so he won’t have to talk for a little.

“It was amazing timing to bump into you. Harry and I are leaving tomorrow for my brother’s place up in Newcastle. We wanted to go out one last time before we go live in the middle of nowhere for god knows how long.”

“You are being incredibly dramatic, Daniel.” Harry responds.

“I know,” he responds, huffing.

“Why are you two going to Newcastle?” Tom asks.

“Daniel is attempting to find artistic inspiration,” Harry says, shaking his head no when Daniel tries to call their waiter over, most likely to refill his glass of wine.

“You are being no fun, Harry. I’ve only had one glass.”

Harry gives him a stern look. “You may drink more at home.”

Daniel rolls his eyes. “Anyway, how did you guys meet? I’m curious.”

Tom and Eggsy look at each other. “We were first set up by Eggsy’s friends. The date did not go as planned, and we actually—”

“—Excuse me,” Daniel interrupts, signaling for the waiter, “could I have a refill?” He lifts up his wineglass, ignoring Harry. “I’m sorry, where were you?”

“That was basically it. Blind date.” Tom says distractedly as he asks the waiter to fill his glass after Daniel’s. “What about you two?”

“We met at an art gallery a little more than six months ago.”

Eggsy thinks that if he were in some movie, this would be the part when all the background noise dramatically deadens and the only noise that can be heard is his erratic heartbeat. He feels his hands twitching so he sets down his fork and puts his hands in his lap. It’s getting easier and easier to act like nothing's wrong. A little more than six months ago was a few weeks after they’d broken up.

“It was an abstract art exhibition, they were featuring lots of contemporary pieces, so some far out there work. Harry had looked so adorably lost.” Daniel muses, staring somewhere far off. “When I'd gathered enough confidence to approach him, he'd said the cheesiest thing I'd ever heard. I'm too embarrassed to repeat it, and I know Harry would hate me to. I’ll just say I was charmed right from the start.”

“That’s so sweet.” Tom says.

Eggsy tries to smile although he feels physically ill. So Harry barely waited at all before dating again. That's… good to know. He really doesn’t know what to think anymore.

Everyone keeps talking around him as he spaces out.

\---

“Did you have a good time?” Tom asks.

“Yeah, I did,” Eggsy fibs. Wishing Tom would leave him alone, they're already at his doorstep. He just wants to go inside and fall asleep.

Tom gives him a look. “You seemed kinda… distant.”

“Yeah,” Eggsy breathes, “it's just that Harry is my ex. You know, the one I was talkin’ about before.”

“The one that broke your heart?”

“Mhmm.”

“You guys are still friends?”

“Did it look like we were still friends?” He snaps.

“No. What's going on with you guys, then?” He asks patiently.

“Tom, I honestly don't know. I'm so confused. Harry told me he still loves me and then I find out that he started dating Daniel almost right after we broke up. He just keeps lyin’ to me, but I still love him. I’d drop everythin’ for him right now. I know it's dumb.”

“It's not dumb, Eggsy. You can't help how you feel,” Tom says, getting a hold on Eggsy’s hands, he draws little patterns onto his skin. It makes the hairs on the back of Eggsy’s neck stand up. Or it could be the breeze moving through the air.

Tom’s looking at him all soft and Eggsy’s mouth starts working too fast for his brain. “You know, I’d ask you to kiss me, but I don't want to mess things up or lead you on. You're too nice to be dragged into all this dumb shit.” He doesn't meet Tom’s eyes. “Goodnight, Tom.”

\---

Eggsy falls asleep immediately after he's changed out of his clothes. Turns out confusion and heartache are exhausting.

\---

He wakes up to the sound of his phone ringing. It reads quarter until two when he picks up.

“Yeah, Harry?” Eggsy yawns.

“Just wanted to make sure you arrived home safely.”

“I'm fine. Thanks for callin’, like, five hours after I got home.”

There's a short silence before Harry speaks again. “Your boyfriend seemed nice.”

Eggsy laughs humorlessly. “Tom’s not my boyfriend, arsehole.”

“Is that right?”

“Yeah, it is. There wouldn't be a problem if he was, right?”

“Absolutely not, Eggsy.”

“That's what I thought. After everything, you're not allowed to be upset with me, you know?” Eggsy doesn't think he's done anything wrong, all he's tried to do is move on, trying to live a normal life after being shaken so hard. “So you're a realtor now?”

“That is what Daniel believes.”

“Are you ever going to tell me the truth? I mean, I don't even know what the truth is anymore. Are you a realtor?”

“I am not.”

“Are you a tailor?”

“No, Eggsy, I am a spy.”

Eggsy doesn't mean to, but a loud laugh bubbles out unexpectedly, he has to cover his mouth to dampen the noise. By the time he's stopped, his stomach hurts and he's out of breath. “Harry,” he barely gets out, “fuckin’…”

“I'm glad I could make you laugh, it's such a beautiful sound when you do. I haven't heard it in so long.”

That gets him to sober up, clearing his throat uncomfortably. He's not certain whether or not to ignore the fluttery butterflies within his stomach. “You can't say stuff like that anymore.” Eggsy rolls over so he can sit up against the headboard.

“Why not?”

“Because… you are with Daniel and you're coming onto me. It's not right. I may have partly been raised by that sleazebag Dean, but I do know that cheatin’ ain't right. I don't want to be part of it.”

“I understand.”

“Okay, good. Doesn't mean that at some point I don't want you to tell me the truth. I think I deserve to know.”

“That's what I've been trying to do. Anytime I get close, I'll admit, I lock up a bit.”

“I know it's not easy, especially when all your relationships are built on lies,” Eggsy says bitterly. “What are you afraid of, Harry, honestly?”

There's a pause before Harry responds, “I am afraid that the truth will be irredeemable.”

“If you had led with the truth we wouldn't be in this situation. What's so awful about the real you that you had to hide it from me?”

“I can tell you, but not right now, I apologize. I hope you're not upset with me.”

“Nah, not anymore. You better go to bed, right? Get some sleep before travellin’”

“Alright, goodnight, Eggsy, I love you.” And Eggsy swears, he can hear Harry holding his breath.

“I love you, too. Sleep well.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this chapter is a bit clunky/choppy. *shrugs*
> 
> Okay, hold on, the climax of the fic is coming up. And I'm hoping to finish this up soon, since I have so much free time rn.


	7. seven (nobody knows you/and nobody gives a damn)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol--I'm so sorry for taking so long, but I have the remaining chapters almost completed. This is almost a filler chapter, I'll admit, but this fic is so close to being completed. So hang on.
> 
> I swear I'll be better at updating.

“So, how’ve you been?” Jamal asks.  
  
“Good. A little TMI,” he says as he stretches out on the sofa, pushing Ryan farther and farther into the armrest, “but I've been masturbatin’ more. It's been good.”    
  
“Y’mean, you don't do it regularly?” Ryan asks, looking somewhat scandalised.  
  
“Nah, not for a while. I've just been ignorin’ whatever… urges I've had until, you know, I couldn't anymore.”  
  
“Bruv, I cum every day, whether it's fuckin’ some bird or masturbation.” Ryan does that obnoxious thing with his eyebrows, moving to the floor to sit. JB runs to him, but stops before making any contact. The dog is indecisive about Ryan, wants to get close but not too close.

“So mostly just your right hand, then.” Eggsy grins. “We both know you've got no fuckin’ game.”  
  
“If I've got no game, then how did I get Adri’s number, huh?”  
  
“You got it from Jamal.”  
  
“Okay, yeah—but I got it.”  
  
“Honestly, guys, what's your endgame?” Eggsy asks, draping his arm off the edge of the sofa so his can softly run his fingers through JB’s short fur.

“Ever heard of polyamory?” Ryan rolls his eyes.  
  
“Except Adri doesn't fuckin’ like you, wanker.” Jamal says from his place in the armchair.

“Yeah, there's that. Just can't believe you won.”  
  
“Holy fuck, Ryan, it ain't a competition. Adri’s not some prize that you can win—that's probably why she doesn't like you.” Jamal remarks. “No offense,” he adds, noticing Ryan’s defeated face.  
  
“I know, I know. I feel like I don’t got a lot to offer, you know?”  
  
“That's bull, mate. Maybe if you stopped referrin’ to birds as objects, you know.”  
  
“Maybe I’ll give blokes a try.” He shrugs.  
  
“Are you taking the piss right now, or what?” Jamal asks. “Nah, why not?” He looks around nervously when there is so response. “What?”  
  
“This explains that whole rant about sexuality, huh? This actually explains a lot.”  
  
“Yeah, so maybe. It ain’t a fuckin’ big deal, okay? I’ve kinda been feelin’ this way for a while, but, I’ve just been ignorin’ it.”  
  
“You weren't, like, ashamed or afraid to tell us, right?” Jamal asks, voice very careful. “You know you can tell us anythin’. No judgement here, well, some judgement, but not for stuff like this.”  
  
“No, that wasn’t it. More like, I hadn’t really accepted it.”  
  
“So we can assume you have accepted it now?” Eggsy asks.  
  
“Yeah--I have."  
  
“I’m proud of you, mate, you know we love you.”  
  
“I know. Love you fuckers, too. Let’s move on.” Ryan clears his throat before fixing Eggsy with an oddly serious stare. “Eggsy, how’d that dinner with Tom go?”  
  
“How do you know about that?”  
  
“We are in constant contact with Tom.”  
  
“What? Why?” Eggsy asks, looking between Jamal and Ryan.  
  
“We gotta make sure he doesn’t hurt you.”  
  
“Guys, I can take care of myself. You don’t gotta do that. We’re not even together.”  
  
“Like I said, we’re just makin’ sure he doesn’t end up hurtin’ you, like… nevermind.”  
  
“No, like who, huh?”  
  
“Eggsy, we’ve all been through a lot of shit, you know, and that toughens you up real good. But, I don’t think it’s possible to be completely harden, though. Even if it was, you’re still vulnerable, I mean, we all are.”  
  
“I get what you’re sayin’,” he responds, not meeting Ryan’s eyes. They’re all best mates, but it still difficult talking about touchy stuff like this. “But I am not datin’ Tom. I’m not goin’ to get hurt.”  
  
“Okay, then. Just tell us what happened.”  
  
“I don’t really want to anymore.”  
  
“Come on.”  
  
“No. You guys are my best friends and I tell you basically everythin’, but sometimes I wanna keep things to myself, or at least hold them close for a while until I tell you about it. I don’t like the idea of Tom reportin’ everythin’ back to you guys.” He finds the courage to look at them again, glaring them into submission until they look guilty.  
  
“If it helps, Eggsy, he barely told us anythin’. He said you guys went out to dinner.” Jamal admits.  
  
“That’s it?”  
  
“Mhmm… so, you gonna tell us or what?”  
  
“Fine, but please stop contactin’ Tom behind my back.”  
  
“Promise.” They say in unison.  
  
“Okay… so we ran into Harry and his new boyfriend.”  
  
“Fuck no.”  
  
“I ain’t shittin’ you two. I wanted to die. Ended up bein’ a double date.”  
  
“Thought you two weren’t datin’.” Jamal looks at him suspiciously.  
  
“We aren’t. Daniel and Harry just assumed.” Eggsy says, rather quickly.  
  
“Can’t believe Tom didn’t mention this.”  
  
“Also found out that Harry started datin’ Daniel a couple weeks after he broke up with me.”  
  
“Sorry, mate.”  
  
“Then later that night, Harry called me--”  
  
“He fuckin’ called you?”  
  
“Yeah… he does that occasionally. I thought I already told you guys this.”  
  
“That wasn’t the first time?”  
  
“No. Guys, I literally told you that he calls me sometimes.”  
  
“Late at night?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Huh,” Ryan mumbles, looking at him funny.  
  
Before Eggsy can even respond, Jamal speaks up, “Eggsy, you’re a side piece!”  
  
“What, no! I’m not, we’re only talkin’.”  
  
“Does Daniel know about this?”  
  
“I’m pretty sure not.”  
  
“Does Harry talk like he wants you back?”  
  
“He said he loves me. And sometimes he’s kinda flirtin’, I think. But we aren’t sleepin’ together. I swear.” And Eggsy can fucking hear his defensive walls being built in his voice. He can feel himself beginning to lock up.  
  
Ryan and Jamal share a look before simultaneously pursing their lips. "So… how's your mum doin'?" Jamal asks.  
  
"She's fine," Eggsy says. Grateful that they've changed subjects, although, not subtly. "Thanks."

\---

Eggsy calls Harry at an ungodly hour. It's a relief when it goes to voicemail.

“I know you're in Newcastle. I hope you're havin’ a good time.” Eggsy takes a deep breath like he's going to say something else, but he just hangs up.

He’s so pathetic. He gets it, he really does. The looks Ryan and Jamal kept giving him earlier. The poorly concealed pity. See, Eggsy’s strong, but he ain't fucking invincible. No matter how much he wishes he was.

Maybe, he’s doing all this to himself. He just has to cut Harry out of his life. Completely. No seeing him, no texts, no late night phonecalls. No Harry Hart. And Eggsy knows that the bastard doesn’t even deserve a phone call, but Eggsy wants to do it in person. Officially end their relationship.

Eggsy rings Harry up again. It goes to voicemail again.

“When you get back, we need to talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, I am very excited to finish the next couple of chapters! I swear I won't take two months to complete them!


	8. eight (give me your eyes/i need sunshine)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is _a lot_ of dialogue. Also, I struggled a lot with this chapter. I'll talk about it in the endnotes.
> 
> Sorry for grammatical/punctuational errors!

Eggsy looks over the table at Harry, who looks back at him with something Eggsy thinks is apprehension. He sort of regrets telling Harry to meet him in the place they first spotted each other. At the Black Prince. He wants to end it where it began. He can’t decide if that’s sentimental or cruel.

“Eggsy--”

“I wanna talk first. I had a whole thing planned out and shit.”

Harry nods, allowing Eggsy to speak.

“Kinda feel like it’s my fault for lettin’ things gets this far. Shoulda just told you to fuck off, but all these feelin’s came back. And I just had to say yes and answer the damn phone.” Eggsy makes a point of not meeting Harry’s eyes, or he’d say something stupid. “I never really thought I was weak , but holy shit, my resolve fuckin’ dissapears when I’m around you.

“Got me thinkin’ that it’s dangerous, you know, to have that much power over someone. And the thing is I can’t even have you. And I know that you know how I feel. You’ve always known, you’re smart like that. Reading people. So I just want to say that we shouldn’t be friends. We shouldn’t see each other, you shouldn’t call me or anythin’. I don’t see a real nice way of endin’ this other than just slicin’ it right down the middle. For myself to feel better, I gotta, you know, remove the tumor.”

Eggsy gathers the courage he’s got and forces himself to make eye contact with Harry. He’s got a blank face. 

“May I speak now?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m going to tell you the truth, but I can't do so here.”

Eggsy sighs, unsurprised.

“I'm not attempting to stall. Well, maybe a little. I just want to say, before I come clean, that I love you. I have for a very long time. I am sincerely hoping that that's enough. I'll understand if it's not.”

\---

“Would you like anything to drink?” Harry asks, standing in front of the threshold of the kitchen.

“I'm good.”

“Alright, if you don't mind, I'm going to make myself a martini.”

Eggsy sits rigidly on the sofa. It's so odd. Him and Harry used to fuck on this sofa. He tries not to think about it too much, how he can feel so uncomfortable in a place he used to consider a home away from home. But now, he thinks back to sitting here while Daniel and Harry were dancing around each other in the kitchen.

“How was Newcastle?” Eggsy calls out.

“Quite exhausting.”

“You had a good time, though?” 

“I guess you could say so,” Harry remarks, reappearing in the living room, drink in hand. He takes a seat on the sofa, leaving a cushion in between them. 

“Here goes nothing; Eggsy, I am a spy.” Harry pauses, gauging Eggsy’s reaction.

“It was funny the first time, but come on.”

“I'm serious.” After he's downed the drink, Harry sets the glass down on the coffee table.

“Like James Bond?” Eggsy asks, skeptically. He still doesn't completely believe Harry.

“I guess you could say so,” Harry responds. “Do you remember Merlin?”

Eggsy nods, recalling the seemingly grouchy, bald man he’d met only a few times. Safe to say that they didn't get along, but he could feel Merlin warming up to him bit by bit, very minute, but still there.

“He is a colleague of mine. If I'm Bond, then he's Q.”

“So even before we met… you were doing this?”

“Yes, for decades.”

As Harry continues, Eggsy doesn't mean to, but he unconsciously puts more distance in between them. It's difficult to view Harry as the same person as he continues to speak. Layers upon layers are unwrapped. He’s not entirely sure of the image that’s left in front of him.

Harry is dangerous. He’s lied to get answers. He's slept with people for intel. He's killed people with his bare hands.

“So everythin’ was a lie?”

Harry shakes his head. “No, Darling.” He reaches for Eggsy’s hand, but he pulls away. “I wasn’t lying about my feelings for you.”

“What about Daniel?”

Harry explains to him that Daniel was a long term mission. He says that Daniel’s brother, Thomas, had been manufacturing and selling weapons to terrorist groups rooted in London. Since Thomas was a recluse and extremely paranoid, it had been nearly impossible to find where he was living and where he was making his weapons. The agency, Harry told him, had apparently found his home in Penzance before, but when they gotten there, it was completely deserted. Every time they got close to him, all trace of him would suddenly disappear.

So they decided to get to Thomas a different way. Through Daniel.

“So you were usin’ him?”

“Yes.”

“He was in love with you.”

“Yes, that was the point.”

“So, that’s normal? Usin’ people to get what you want? Was I some sort of mission? Were you usin’ me?”

“Eggsy, no.”

“Why should I believe you?”

“Because you want to, you love me.”

“I can't help it.” That's ultimately what the problem came down to. “You broke up with me so you could pretend to date Daniel?”

“Yes and no. I knew I couldn't live with myself if I were to continue our relationship while seeing him. I also knew I'd fallen for you, by this time. I was concerned about how our relationship would affect my job. And vice versa. I didn't want to unintentionally put you in any danger.”

“I… don't know what to say,” he admits. “You hurt me a lot.”

“I know, I never meant to.” Harry searches Eggsy eyes, desperately. “Do you still love me?”

“I thought I did, but I don't even know who you are.”

“Don't say that. You're just upset.”

“Don't tell me what I am.”

“I'm sorry… I am the same person you fell in love with. I just withheld some of the truth about my occupation.”

“ _Just withheld some of the truth_?” Eggsy mocks. He’s been toyed with so much, he has no clue how he feels. One thing he knows for certain is that he still loves Harry--whoever he is. 

This is when Eggsy knows for sure that there's something wrong with him. There has to be. He chances a peak at Harry’s face, which is a huge mistake. He's never seen Harry cry before. Not once in the little less than a year they'd been together. Harry, he thinks, doesn't cry. Eggsy knows it has a lot to do with his childhood and his strict, yet apathetic parents.

So it's difficult to look at Harry when he's got this look on his face. He’s not crying, but there’s a distinct sorrow to it. Eggsy can't help but think whether or not it's acting. What's to gain of all of this if Harry truly doesn't love him? But what's Eggsy saying by agreeing to be with someone who hurt him so deeply?

“So everything’s out in the open, yeah?” Eggsy asks.

Harry sniffs. “Yes.”

Eggsy stands, stretching and cracking his back.

“Where are you going?”

“I'm goin’ home.”

“So… that's it? Goodbye?” Harry asks, unsure like Eggsy’s never heard before. Something about Harry being vulnerable around him makes his heart thud too loudly. In all honestly, that's all he's ever wanted. Eggsy is so tempted to say ‘yeah, that's it.’ To tell Harry to ultimately fuck off. The only problem is all his heartache, all his yearning wouldn't just magically disappear. He’s not sure if it ever will.

All Eggsy wants is to live a semi-normal life. He wants to be okay. Not even happy, just okay, just better than how he feels now. He never thought he’d be one of those people who are so caught up on love, but here he is. No matter how hard he crushes it in his hands, or how forcibly he stomps down on it, or how desperately he prays for it to just stop hurting _,_ it's still present. This feeling, this ache.

“I don't know,” Eggsy answers truthfully.

Harry stands up, and cautiously takes a few steps toward Eggsy, still allowing him personal space. “What do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know,” he repeats. “Give me some time.”

“Anything,” Harry responds.

\---

Eggsy leaves after that. He considers walking home, but ends up going to Ryan and Jamal’s flat. He has to knock a few times before Jamal answers the door, looking all dressed up.

“Where the fuck you headed?”

“Date, bruv. Don't I look fuckin’ sharp?” He gestures toward his slacks, tucked in shirt and silk tie before moving aside to let Eggsy in.

“Adri?” 

“You know it.”

“Ain't this like the fifth date?” Eggsy asks, following Jamal to the small kitchen.

“Yeah. Thirsty?”

“Nah. Is Ryan here?”

“Nope. Ryan is on a date," Jamal hesitantly voices, "with Tom.”

“Really?”

“You're okay with this?” 

“Course, Tom’s just a friend.”

“No, I mean, are you okay with this? All of this?” Jamal asks, leaning against the littered counter.

“Well… that's why I'm here. I just went over to see Harry and he's not with Daniel anymore.”

“And?”

“He wants to get back together.” Jamal fixes him with a purposely blank look, waiting for him to continue. “I told him I don't know.”

“But you do.”

“Is it wrong that I just want him to hurt a bit? You know, to feel how I felt?”

“Guess not, but you're also hurtin’ yourself. Never thought I'd be tellin’ you it's a good idea to get back with Harry.” He shrugs.

“It shouldn't be that easy though, right? For him, at least.”

“True, you gotta make him work for it. Make sure he knows that he can't just snap his fingers and you come crawlin’ back.”

Eggsy nods slowly. “What if it doesn't work out this time, even though everythin’s laid out on the table?”

“I ain't one to speak about long term relationships... if you think about it too much you’ll go mental. Sorry.”

Eggsy give Jamal a flat stare that clearly communicates his frustration. “This is givin’ me a heachache. I'm fuckin’ dumb as shit, ain't I?”

“Well…” Jamal throws a halfhearted smile his way.

“Fuck.” Eggsy takes a deep breath.

“Look,” Jamal says, putting his hands on Eggsy’s slumped shoulders, “give the bloke another chance, yeah? If he does one thing wrong, you tell me and Ryan. We’ll kick his arse.”

Eggsy can't help but laugh, now knowing that Harry could kick all their arses blindfolded and only using a pinky. Or at least he thinks so. Probably.

“What you laughin’ at? I'm serious. That fucker breaks your heart again, you know we’re here to pick up the pieces and help you any way we can.”

“Don't got a lot of confidence in this relationship, do you?”

“Nah, that ain't it. Just lookin’ out for you is all.”

“Thank you,” Eggsy mutters, his throat tight.

“Okay, your man’s waitin’.”

Eggsy knows Jamal’s just talking, not putting too much meaning or thought into the phrase he just said, but it creates an unpleasant thought in his head. "I don't… I don't want to be his . I don't want to belong to anyone."   
  
Jamal takes a while to speak up. "Were you thinkin' this way before when you two was datin'?"   
  
"No, but this is real. This is really Harry. This is a real relationship." There's more to say but Eggsy knows he won't be able to verbally articulate it eloquently enough for his own satisfaction, so he says it with his eyes. Says that all he's really known about love was that it meant some sort of ownership--he's seen it in movies, he's seen it in real life, with his mum and Dean, with other mates and their birds. His dad and his mum, though, they had something special. Eggsy could see that from a young age. They meshed so well, flowed perfectly, moved around each other beautifully as if choreographed. Yeah, they cried and fought, but in the end, they always fell together.   
  
Eggsy's not trying to be a cynic, but that type of love is rare, fucking hard to find. So he's not looking for perfection with Harry, he just wants something real, something honest. He doesn't want to get snuffed out, he doesn't want to be a shell of himself, passively being treated like an object.   
  
Jamal looks at him evenly, too evenly. "You can be his and still belong to yourself, Eggsy. Holy shit, even under the worst scenarios, you never lose touch with yourself. Even when Dean threatened to throw you out or cut your tongue off, you still spoke up, bruv. I don't got the guts to do that shit. That takes a fuckload of courage to be yourself--always. And Harry, as much as I wanna sock him, loves you like crazy. You, Eggsy, not some distorted image of you.”

“You really think so?”

“Yeah, Eggsy, really. I've got no fuckin’ doubt."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, I'm planning one more chapter. It may take a week or two--I really want to perfect it.
> 
> Even though it goes without saying, Eggsy's upbringing/having Dean as a stepdad really shapes his view on relationships (romantic, platonic). That's why I have been attempting to but a lot of emphasis on his internal struggle of wanting to be with Harry, but also still wanting to be his own person. You know that 'he/she/they complete(s) me' notion, or 'i'm nothing without him/her/them'. So it really scares him to feel like he needs someone. Ultimately, he's afraid of being hurt again and what message he's sending out by getting back together with someone how has hurt him.
> 
> Anyway, I confused the fuck out of myself--probably you, too. If you're still like, "you never answered this" or whatnot, the next chapter will answer it. Also, I'm won't be going too easy on Harry--he's got a lot of work to do.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure how many chapters this will end up being, but I will do my best to update consistently. Sorry for spelling and grammar errors.
> 
> (I'll Believe in Anything//Wolf Parade)
> 
>  
> 
> [tumblr](http://unhappy-turt.tumblr.com)


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